learning how to have hope

living life
with joy.
marriage at a young age.
followed by pregnancy.
after all, that is what the role of the woman is,
to bear children.

prolonged labor,
3 days, maybe more...
no money to pay doctors,
maybe no hospital to go to.
or just too long of a wait for care.

finally a surgery to take the baby out.
the pain of labor for many days,
and now a painful incision,
are no match for the pain to follow.
a stillborn baby.
maybe the only child she will ever have.

awake in the hospital,
alone.
confused.
in pain.
with no child.
and now a new problem.
why am I leaking urine?
this has never happened before.
but it will not stop.

A constant leak
a stench that cannot be hidden.
no husband will lay next to a woman who leaks
and smells.
so alone.
No community will accept this condition
The only acknowledgement
is a hurtful word
or maybe abuse.
So very alone.

What to do but hide?
But to feel ashamed,
and hopeless.

Years go by with no answers
no help
no hope.
How do you cope?
What keeps you moving,
believing,
living?

There is just no end to the suffering of women with obstetric fistulas. The pain is indescribable. I can't even begin to imagine how they have lived and survived.  They are warriors and they are so beautiful. There are some women that we cannot help and that is so heart breaking. It is such a challenge to maintain hope when we cannot turn their lives completely around and give them a whole new life to begin upon leaving the ship. 

Mother Teresa was quoted saying:
"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

These women are unloved and alone for so many years. What I am learning is that they come to the ship with hopes of physical healing, but also can experience healing spiritually and emotionally. They are loved more than they maybe ever have been before.  I know that I cannot help but to love them so much. They have incredible hearts, beautiful smiles, genuine hugs. Life has been very hard for these women. They are ashamed, depressed, hidden. They don't smile. They are quiet and unsure. Slowly the trust builds. They are cautious but trusting at first, and then reveal their loving and gracious selves as time goes on.  I am so blessed to have met and cared for these women and spent so much time just loving them. I feel at peace and truly feel God's love and presence whenever I am with them. It's an amazing and beautiful feeling.

Praise God for bringing them to the ship, for placing them in my path, and for blessing us all with their lives. While they understandably have many struggles with understanding why they have been burdened with this life, most of them have proven to remain hopeful and continue to worship and glorify God.  They are faithful. Despite their past hardships and as some of them face future hurdles, they praise God and place their hope in Him. They give so much more to us than we could ever give to them.  I am learning more and more from them to be thankful and to praise God in every situation, when we feel blessed, and most importantly when we struggle.  I just hope that I can always remember each of these ladies, the impact they have had on me, and the perspective on life they have and that they inspire in me.

James 1:2-4 (NIV)

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

John 13:13-17

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint. 

poetry

I was working on the ward today with Max-fax patients.
One of my patients (actually 3 of them had the same surgery) had had a hemimandibulectomy with an iliac crest bone graft to cover the titanium mandible. Basically, a tumor of the jaw was removed with half of the lower jaw, then a new jaw line was built with titanium.  After 3 months, they return to have a part of the hip bone removed to cover the titanium to prevent the metal from eroding through the skin of the face later. Pretty incredible surgery, actually! :)
Anyway, one of these patients was just hanging out today, she was very quiet and staying in bed mostly. The bone graft sites are very painful and hurt to walk on.  I went by her bed to see how she was doing and give her medicine.  She quietly pointed at the notebook next to her bed.  She had written on 2 pages in French.  I asked one of our dayworkers, Fred, to translate it for me.
This is it! Enjoy :)

I have been saved by people sent from God called MERCY SHIPS.
My eyes are full of tears every morning I wake up.
I ask myself if the God that made me is the same that created the healthiest and strongest?
But now He answers me by cleaning (wiping) my tears and letting me know that He will always be with me, He will never forsake nor abandon me.
He will do all things for me.
The work He has started He will continue and surely finish.
I do not know how to say thank you to this savior ship and its personnel on board.
My mouth is too small to thank you, only the Most High can.
I am so so so happy about my healing.
BRAVO MERCY SHIPS.

the significance of a dress

Over the past month, I have had the incredible blessing to care for women with obstetric fistulas. This group of patients has been heavy on my heart since the moment I read about their condition before leaving for Togo. 

The majority of cases we see are VVF's (vesico-vaginal fistulas), of which there is a fistula, or hole, between the bladder and vagina, causing constant leaking of urine from the vagina.  There are also women with recto-vaginal fistulas, in which both stool (from the rectum) and urine leak uncontrollably.  These fistulas occur almost always as a result of prolonged, untreated, obstructed labor during childbirth.  The prolonged labor can last anywhere from 2-10 days, and the infant's head presses against tissues, causing them to die from lack of blood supply, creating these openings to occur.  In some cultures it is a sign of weakness if a woman needs to go to a hospital for childbirth, in other cases they just cannot make it to a hospital that will help them in time, or cannot afford the care.  This can also occur as a result of marriage and conception at a young age (13-15 years) before the pelvis is fully developed.  In about 95% of these cases, the baby dies during labor and the woman is often left unable to produce children again.  Many times, the husband and/or other children of the woman will disown her as she smells of urine constantly, and she is ostracized and cast out of her community. Alone, ashamed, and devastated.

Our team leader, Karin, who is so amazing and educated on VVF ladies, shared a story with us just prior to screening day for the ladies.  She told us about a previous patient who had read about this story in the Bible:


Luke 8:40-49

[40] Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. [41] Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house [42] because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.
As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. [43] And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. [44] She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
[45] "Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
[46] But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
[47] Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. [48] Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

The patient told her story after finally finding help for her problem.  She had been leaking urine and had prayed and prayed for many years for a cure.  She had felt like giving up and just really felt that this story was significant and felt she needed to pray for at least 12 years as this woman in the Bible had suffered for the same amount of time. She stated that she stood there in the 12th month of her 12th year and was finally dry (not leaking anymore).  There was not a dry eye in the place, and there wasn't a dry eye as Karin retold the story to us new VVF nurses. What a blessing to relieve these women of their years of pain! We got to pray for all the ladies on our list for screening day together.

Meeting the ladies has been an even bigger privilege than I could have ever imagined! They come to the wards with faces that reveal years of shame and solitude.  They are uncertain, scared, and rarely smile. After surgery, some healing, prayer, worship, and lots and lots of hugs, they start smiling and their personalities emerge.  These ladies are among the most beautiful, patient, loving, incredible women I have ever met.  Never before have I felt so much love just from walking into a room and seeing beaming smiles and waves accompanied by genuine, strong embraces.

 When they are "dry" (no longer leaking), we have a dress ceremony for them.  Our amazing patient life coordinator, Clementine, buys dresses for them, they get done up with new dresses, jewelry, and makeup, and parade down the hall singing worship songs and beaming from ear to ear.  The joy is palpable.  They tell their testimonies, are gifted with symbolic items, and we celebrate their lives and the bright future ahead. There is no way to experience this and not be moved to tears. They are so deserving of happiness, good health, love, and of course, new dresses.